The Fiver Christmas Awards 2010

Posted Wednesday, December 22, 2010 by theguardian.com

The Fiver Christmas Awards 2010
Watch out Robbie Earle.

Welcome to the 11th Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the 12th? Oh, we don't know, but if you squint hard enough you might see us being bundled out of the VVIP area of Boujis as Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley avert their eyes.

THE 'IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS IT MUST BE ART' BRIAN SEWELL AWARD FOR BEST INSTALLATION BY A FOOTBALLER

Attempting to bring enlightenment to the unwashed masses through an inflatable doll, some mattresses lashed to a graffiti-daubed horse box and a portable toilet, young British artist and Derby County goalkeeper Stephen Bywater's mind-expanding and provocative hand-rendered installation was, to this pretentious tea-time email's classically trained eye, full of the fun of rebellion and imbued with a very real beauty, despite its laughably aggressive absurdities of disproportion.

For this he gets the gong, despite the prudish but irrelevant disapproval it engendered among his neighbours in Sutton-on-the-Hill in Derbyshire. "We are totally bewildered by his actions," said one 75-year-old philistine who wished to remain anonymous, while a statement was issued from the Pride Park press office declaring that the club wished to "completely disassociate" itself from the player's artistic endeavours. Having originally declared the work to be his "masterpiece", Bywater later backtracked. "I acknowledge that this does not reflect well on me as a professional or the club in general," he said of his impetuous creation, with a doubtlessly incantatory bellow ... before auctioning it off on eBay.

THE LIVERPOOL SUPPORTERS "MARCHING" FROM A PUB THEY WERE GOING TO BE IN ANYWAY TO A MATCH THEY WERE GOING TO ANYWAY AWARD FOR PERSONAL SACRIFICE

1) Graham Taylor, who took a stand against fowl play by announcing that he will be having roast beef for Christmas dinner instead of turkey after Blackeye Rovers owners and Indian poultry magnates Venky's sacked Sam Allardyce. "It will be my protest against what is happening at Black[eye] and what is happening to our football in this country," said Taylor. Only time will tell if photos of Taylor carving a succulent rump roast with all the trimmings will become as iconic as Malcolm Browne's snap of that self-immolating Buddhist monk in Vietnam.

2) Social networking's Robbie Savage, who threw a Stephen Fry-esque hissy-fit and announced he was leaving Twitter because somebody in the Daily Star had misquoted him. Approximately four hours later, he was back. Approximately 3,729 tedious and unfunny spats with Rio Ferdinand he's still there.

THE GREAT DELUSION AWARD FOR UNSHAKABLE SELF-BELIEF

"Nobody can stand here and tell me Germany were a lot better than us," declared Frank Lampard with an admirably straight face, flying in the face of all available evidence to the contrary in the wake of England's hideously embarrassing World Cup exit. Until yesterday, the Chelsea midfielder would have been a shoo-in for this award, but that was before Sky Sports analyst Andy Gray announced that Barcelona ain't all that and said "Let's see Lionel Messi do it at Stoke".

THE RYAN SHAWCROSS AWARD FOR 'NOT BEING THAT TYPE OF PLAYER

Ryan Shawcross.

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

Lionel Messi. So what if El Diego's bizarro squad selection and tactics stopped him replicating Maradona in Mexico 86? He still banged in 58 goals in 53 games for Barcelona; the highest-ever total in a calendar year in a major European league. And no, we're not counting Scotland's EuroDisnae League.

THE GOOGLE AWARD FOR MOST INSIGHTFUL TELEVISION PUNDIT

Match of the Day's Alan Shearer, who surpassed his own lamentable standards by describing Hatem Ben Arfa as "a young lad who's come in, no one really knows a good deal of him", when asked for his thoughts on the France international who helped Marseille win the French title after arriving at the Stade Velodrome from Lyon in an €11m move. Alan Shearer hails from Tyneside, managed Newcastle United briefly and used to play for them. He is understood to be paid £500,000 per annum for his match analysis by the BBC.

THE ROBIN COOK AWARD FOR PUTTING YOUR PRINCIPLES BEFORE A NICE EARNER

World Cup 2018 bid ambassador Gary Lineker, who quit his weekly column for the Mail on Sunday after deciding their stitch-up job on Lord Triesman "undermined the bid to bring the World Cup to England in 2018". Despite working for the same corporation that broadcast the episode of Panorama practically cited as one of the reasons the England bid failed by Sepp Blatter, Lineker has yet to tender his resignation to the producers of Match of the Day.

THE VANISH OXI ACTION MULTI-FABRIC STAIN REMOVER AWARD FOR MAKING FOOTBALL WHITER THAN WHITE

Sepp Blatter, whose reaction to several Fifa executive committee members being accused of corruption was pretty much to stick underpants on his head and two pencils up his ginormo nostrils. "There is no systematic corruption in Fifa," insisted Solemn Sepp. "That is nonsense.

We are financially clean and clear ... I'm working to make football a school of life, bringing hope, bringing emotions." There were certainly plenty of 'emotions' on display on 2 December, all right, after England's 2018 World Cup bid was humilatingly knocked out in the first round. Speaking of which ...

THE SEXTANT-ERA HERBIE HANCOCK AWARD FOR BEST SELF-INDULGENT HIGH-PITCHED WHINE SIMILAR IN STYLE TO ELABORATE SEVEN-MINUTE SOLO ON MINI-MOOG IN 15/8 TIME

Andy Anson, brother of erstwhile Radio One pop platter spinner Lisa I' and head of jotting down a list of stadiums in England on the back of a napkin, couldn't believe England weren't rewarded for, hey, just being English, as Fifa decided who would host the 2018 World Cup. "No one cares about football as much as England," he blubbed, like a toddler who had just fallen off his trike, inadvertently revealing exactly why nobody else likes us much. The Fiver, of course, feels sorry for English fans, denied the chance to enjoy football's greatest show at close hand in eight years' time. We're not so sorry for the FA, though, which deserved all it got for involving Milton Keynes Dons Footpad Club in the bid. Bad FA! Naughty FA! Inept FA!

THE DAILY MAIL AWARD FOR KNOWING EXACTLY WHAT THEIR READERS WANT

The Daily Mail. After England's World Cup bid flopped the paper wondered whether its presentation was too "multi-cultural" and drew on "a range of ethnically diverse figures". Below the line, its readers concurred - "It makes me sick when we have this 'multicultural' rubbish rubbed in our faces", "Fools! Multi cultural idiots!!!", "Well done Daily Mail for having the courage to speak up" and, inevitably, "If only Diana were here to see what this nation has become." If only.

THE ITALIA 90 BATON-PASSING AWARD FOR THE WORST EVER WORLD CUP

South Africa 2010. Ball hoofed over the bar from a free-kick in 34th minute to an empty drone of vuvuzela as everyone traipses back into their rigid hustling formation and Peter Drury says "such a tight, competitive opening from both teams". Repeat until one team has eked out a soul-sapping 1-0 knockout victory.

THE BIG BROTHER MEMORIAL AWARD

A shame the fly-on-the-wall camera technique has now fallen out of TV fashion. For how entertaining would it have been to witness the fear spread across England's Brave and Loyal John Terry's face as he uttered the phrase "... and that's why we think you're a big bag of hot air, you wrinkled old Italian has-been", looked round to find 21 empty chairs spinning and an open door flapping gently in the breeze, then turned back to see Mr Capello's eyes narrowing slightly? Channel 4 should have paid millions for the rights.

THE MORECAMBE & WISE AWARD FOR PROGRAMMING THE TOM-TOM FROM TEVEVISION CENTRE, WOOD LANE, LONDON, TO HUBRIS HOUSE, CAREER CUL-DE-SAC, MEDIOCRITY CITY

You know you're in trouble when you get involved in a media spat with Chris Evans, and you're the one left looking like you've just thrown their toys from the pram along a mathematically perfect parabola. That's what happened to Adrian Chiles when he left The One Show in a fit of pique at Evans taking over the Friday edition of the programme to present breakfast show Daybreak, the biggest disaster transmitted on ITV1 all year, and that includes the Coronation Street tram crash. Chiles and his bulging-wallet-sized butt-cheeks were also wedged into the presenter's chair for ITV's football coverage.

He started well at the World Cup, comparing watching the opening ceremony to Christmas morning as a kid, but it was all downhill from there. He finally crashed and burned when Big Ted arced from the buggy again, as Luis Suarez did what we all would have done, let's face it. Let's hope Adrian didn't have any money on Ghana, or that'd be two gambles that haven't come off for him this year.

THE INAUGURAL ROBBIE EARLE AWARD FOR SOMEHOW MANAGING TO BECOME EMBROILED IN A BORING SCANDAL INVOLVING A BEVY OF SCANTILY-CLAD BEER-DRINKING DUTCH MODELS

Robbie Earle.

THE KENNETH WOLSTENHOLME AWARD FOR RUBBISH COMMENTARY

A no-brainer this. Literally. Guy Mowbray excelled himself during the World Cup. As England crashed out to Germany, he argued that the ludicrous decision not to award Frank Lampard a goal was somehow more wrong than the one which Geoff Hurst was awarded in the 1966 final. Absolutes are absolutes, son. During the semi-final between Germany and Spain, he had a childish tantrum. "You can say that," he snapped after Mark Lawrenson said something that didn't fit in with his narrow worldview. "Just did," replied Lawro, childishly. A minute later, Lawrenson had to ask a sulking Mowbray if anything was wrong, and was he all right? Then there was the final. And all we're going to say is, Mowbray has now commentated on the same number of World Cup finals as Barry Davies, for God's sake. The Fiver loves the licence fee, but sometimes the BBC make it very hard.

THE JEFFERY BARNARD AWARD FOR NOT TURNING UP FOR WORK

Jim Beglin, who was ill and didn't make ITV's World Cup semi-final between Uruguay and Holland, leaving Clive Tyldesley to work the room on his own. The much-maligned Tyldesley was a revelation when flying solo, informative, opinionated and genuinely entertaining. The most productive day's work of Beglin's career, and that includes the time he spent at Dirty Leeds.

THE ISRAEL AWARD FOR USING UP ALL THE MORAL CREDIT IN THE BANK

Appropriately, this goes to the Queen's Celtic, for acting like effing big bairns over a penalty that never was during a game against Dundee United. Having long since created a climate where referees touch cloth at the mere thought of making any mistake that could be jumped on in post-match press conferences, the Queen's Celtic grasped their opportunity with both hands when referee Dougie McDonald overturned his initial incorrect spot-kick award only to later blame it on the linesman. Defcon one! Despite nobody else really caring, McDonald felt he was forced out of his job, the linesman having already chucked it in. In other unrelated-but-not-totally-unrelated-when-it-all-comes-down news, referees' boss Hugh Dallas was forced to resign for emailing a funny picture of Joseph Ratzinger. It takes some effort to make the Pope's O'Rangers look like the good guys for once, but the Queen's Celtic have managed it. Well done, John Reid! Another roaring success for you!

MAN OF THE YEAR

Carlo Ancelotti, who achieved the near-impossible by making Chelsea's Pensioners almost likeable as they thrilled their way to the double. What's more, he was charming with it. "There are times when I stand up in front of a full-length mirror and act like a contortionist," he wrote in his autobiography. "I twist my neck and I stare at my ass. My fat butt cheeks aren't a particularly edifying spectacle but … over time it's taught me a lesson: my ass is earthquake-proof."

Runner up: Ian Holloway. Not for anything he's said, mind, but for not walking out on anyone the day after pledging to stay.

TEAM OF THE YEAR

Barcelona. Again.

THE HMS TITANIC AWARD FOR HUBRIS

Barcelona, who by beating Real Madrid 5-0 – proving that you can actually enjoy watching tiki-taka sometimes instead of just pretending in order to appear clever – inadvertently set themselves up for The Big Fall. And TBF will happen at Wembley Stadium, London, on May 28 next year, when Jose Mourinho's team will, after being reduced to eight men, beat Barca 1-0 on penalties to lift Big Cup. Mourinho will then run over to the Barca bench and re-enact the Surfin' Bird scene from Pink Flamingos.

BUMPER ONE-OFF FESTIVE TV & RADIO SPECIAL: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD

Right, aye. You are joking, aren't you?