Let's hear it for the media's army of Wayne Rooney shrinks

Posted Thursday, October 28, 2010 by theguardian.com

The media no longer understand the concept – "footballer wants more money" – without recourse to an army of doctors

Let's hear it for the media's army of Wayne Rooney shrinks
Wayne Rooney was under scrutiny from a team of media medical specialists when requested a transfer from his club.

Can it really be only a week ago that we were teetering on the edge of apocalypse, as Manchester United's Wayne Rooney held football's noble heart to ransom, all exactly as predicted in the Book of Revelation? Yes. Yes, it can – though it seems a bygone age, now the Daily Mail is back to chuntering that Wayne is disporting himself in Dubai in a manner offensive to those suffering in Austerity Britain. (If only the Mail's editor Paul Dacre could get used to disappointment. Either that or give up his chauffeur-driven car.)

Now the dust has settled, then, it seems time to reflect what an awful lot we've learned from the saga. Primarily, it reminded us the media no longer deem it possible to gloss a fantastically simple concept – "footballer wants more money" – without recourse to an army of psychologists, body-language experts and general head doctors. Why, this very newspaper drew on a former Going Live! agony uncle, who explained Rooney's team-mates might be feeling resentful. Something for us to ponder, certainly.

Time was the media shrink game was sewn up by Raj Persaud, still entitled to call himself a doctor despite being suspended for plagiarism in 2008. At least Persaud always affected to have standards, as displayed when he was contacted to provide his usual quote for a feature about why ladettes always pose with their mouths open. "It's absolutely ridiculous that I should have a view on that," he spluttered, as though his shtick were painstaking biological psychiatry, instead of ensconcing himself on daytime TV sofas and telling 38-stone women he'd deduced they had a complex relationship with food.

But Raj's enforced withdrawal from the market enabled a new generation, and the Rooney business allows us to salute the top five emerging media talents. They may not be alumni of the more rarefied Viennese schools, but they are undoubtedly Ones To Watch.

5. Just making the cut we have "mental performance coach Andy Barton", who took to the pages of the Daily Mirror to deconstruct Sir Alex's heartrending press conference. "His body language projected how helpless he seems in the face of player power," Andy informed us, explaining loftily that Sir Alex looked "bemused" – shedding light for all those struggling with Ferguson's statement: "We are as bemused as anyone can be."

4. The BBC had the ubiquitous Judi James, who usually describes herself as a "body language expert", but on this occasion had important advice for Fergie and United's chief executive, David Gill, about their recalcitrant employee. "Don't go talking to someone unless you know what you need them to do," she instructed. "Maybe 'less of this behaviour', or 'more of that behaviour'." How invaluable those words would prove.

3. Sport professor David Wilson, who used a Mail discourse to caution against emphasising Rooney's "sense of infantilism". According to David, the player's tattoo of the Stereophonics album title "Just Enough Education to Perform" suggests Rooney may have "a deep seated sense of irony", demonstrating that "he may be more intelligent than is often supposed".

2. This was not the precise view of Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, associate professor of psychology at Goldsmiths. "Like the Chilean miners," declared Tomas, "Wayne Rooney's IQ can hardly be expected to be higher than 85," which, the Prof pointed out, means he is "quite stupid".

1. Topping our chart is one Ben Williams, who bills himself as a chartered business psychologist. "If a talented, skilled person has been poached," he told the BBC, "then don't offer them more money because it won't keep them for long and it will just disrupt team spirit. They should just clear their desk and go." By the weekend, however, Ben was explaining why Ferguson moving heaven and earth to keep the player was exactly the right thing to do. "There are occasions, like with this situation, where [Sir Alex] has had to pull in his horns and say: 'Well, maybe we should have a chat.' He has clearly shown he has other strategies, and that is where his ability to change his style comes into play."

Mm. One can't help feeling it isn't just Ferguson who has an ability to change his style – but let us salute the pragmatic Mr Williams, and all his head doctor brethren. They have added hilarious new layers of cobblers to the already deeply cobbled business of writing about sport, and we must hear from them again at their earliest convenience.